Why hello there!
So, maybe you're from part one: h-everybody-lies--md.deviantar…
Or you're too intimidated to read all of that (it's kind of dark and twisty, I wouldn't blame you for not reading it) or maybe you're new around here and to these considerable journal lengths but either way, I'm going to just finish up where I left off!
The point of this journal/the other one, is to update on life and just this dawning realization that struck me unexpectedly this past Friday, Sep 26th.
What's happened so far in the realm of asking for help:
- I called my school's counseling center the second week of school (Th)
- My mom and I had a discussion of which I took some inspiration/liberty from (Third week of school, Tu)
- I was honest with a friend asking how I was doing (Tu)
- I experienced some suicidal feelings on Wed (9/17, so like, last week); followed up by calling a suicide prevention helpline
And now I'm still on Wed, just wrapping up where I left off with having gone to work that evening.
At home, I initially intended to tell my mom what had happened (like, oh hey, so I called another suicide prevention hotline today
) but I didn't quite make it to that point. I mainly grumbled about not wanting to go to school the next day (so childish, I know), not wanting to have ATP, being overly stressed out and emotional and not knowing what to do/have a game plan for attacking academics. My mom and dad gave me some very good advice though. And that helped quite a bit =]
My mom especially told me: "Look for solutions, not more problems"
I let the rest just lie instead, left it not discussed.
On Thursday, things were really great! I woke up feeling very positive, looking for those solutions, wore some fuzzy socks because I could and I wanted to, and just did small things like that again to make me feel good and better. I even did a sunset photoshoot that night and went to the library some =] It was a great day. ^^
Over the weekend, things could have gone better but my Sunday had been a bit more productive, but still not as optimal as it could be.
But, now we are at Monday! Yay!
So, things for counseling this time around are a little bit different. My previous counselor had mentioned to me before the possible option of seeing a graduate student who is overseen by supervisors and yadda yadda for a more frequent basis of well, counseling, but at the time when I was with her I didn't have to or didn't wind up going into that option. Well, the person I'm seeing now is under that category, which again, is different. But good, that'll probably be me one day so, ahahaha (I really want to check out more on positive psychology though, maybe when I get some free time some day hehehe) I also think on my previous counseling experience that I didn't check off the recording option thingy but this time I did (which is also kind of weird but is only used for educational purposes in a sense, so, it's all cools - and after all, it's psychology, I am a psychology student, the drill is known enough (confidential stuff, etc.))
So yeah, this past week's Monday, ze fourth week of school (craziness, that is Px) I had my first counseling appointment with this person and it did run rather long which I still kinda feel bad for but uh yeah. (I also missed my train by like 30 seconds, but it worked out all right, and I made it to work, if an hour late (having told my boss of course though ahha))
I must say though it really is a bit different, like even just filling out the survey thingy at the start I'm pretty sure some of my answers have changed. Also, of course, the whole discussing past suicidal thoughts and all. Pretty big that can be... But also just that milder time management stuff and then like paperwork discussion stuff.
One of the weird things which took a little while to sink in until I was going home was in some ways the gravity of the situational stuff. Essentially, I have a safety plan now (which is actually quite helpful and very good) but it's....weird. Like, the best way I could describe it in my notes on the ride home was feeling weird. It's just like, you're opening up all your closet's skeletons for the world to see. (Which I feel, having done this ON DA already, shouldn't feel as vulnerable as it is in reality) Like, I'm not used to being this revealing in a sense, but I know I have to be because I don't know what to do and I don't know how to handle it, and I need help figuring it out and just being that rational part when irrationality threatens to take over. And I know that I don't/can't actually act on it and want it to stay that way. Despite only slightly not wanting to. Sigh. Complexities...
It's different to be finally speaking to a counselor about it (you get what I mean though). And I guess in the sense of vulnerability, it's different than DA in a way because, you're letting someone in on something that if necessary could place you somewhere else entirely. You know what I mean? There's protocol, I guess.
The safety plan, if you don't happen to know, or self-care guidelines, same thing in the end, is just like guidelines of keeping yourself safe, who you can contact, etc. if you're at risk of harming yourself. (So like, things you can tell yourself, people to contact, support lines, things that make life worth living, etc.) It's helpful.
I was also asked on a scale of 0 to 10 to rate how likely I was to think of suicide over the next week, with 10 being a definite. I said 2, 'cause I hadn't been thinking that far ahead (I just had my first abnormal psych exam this Wed, and I had a short social psychology paper due on Thu - beyond that I wasn't thinking too far ahead. Also though I know kind of wonder if this scale is an interval scale (I believe that's what it's called) as we learned just this week in behavioral research... if so, 0 does not mean nothing. Interesting.)
Granted, though, let's not lose too much perspective on what my situation is.
Another interesting thing that stood out to me was the question of: "Do you think you'll think of suicide in the future? Say, one year from now." That was quite the puzzling question, I thought. I said I didn't know, I do in fact hope not, but yeah, I hadn't really thought about it...
And of course saying suicide I just mean all the smaller parts of that too, like ideation, thoughts or feelings and such. Again, I lack those brass nuts but I have enough of them to use them for living through another day (or in my smaller case, until I realize I'm being incredibly irrational - and ohmygod, living is amazing *takes photos everywhere*). (But, really see: www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5Zq99…
for more on this "brass nuts" talk. I really loved this video and found it helpful too
But alas, the more tired I get the more I wonder if I should be mentioning any of this at all.... sigh.
I got more from that appointment too, like more paperwork (whoo) and another meeting next week and some homework assignments
One of which I did well in doing one day this week but the other days haven't been quite as good (like today, oh the forfeit of sleep, yikes, I'm going to regret this later Dx)
Overall though, leading into the very last ask's for help:
- I discussed with my Mom a whole slew of things last, last night (Thursday night) also somewhat in response to how Anam has asked for leave on ATP this semester. It just got me thinking of ATP and my mom helped with advice on that front and all that jazz. I also discussed on this day (or maybe it was Wed...or was it even Monday oh nuuu) anywho at some point I mentioned (I think it was Mon) what went on in counseling of which that good old chunk was mentioned and you get the drift.
So now my mom's all caught up and yay open ended conversations.
With getting help on how to tackle ATP on Th, by yesterday, Friday I began realizing I did need to open up to help on that front too... and so concludes the positive thing I was trying to talk about this whole time:
Holy shit I've asked for so much help in these last few weeks or reached out or just opened up to it and hoh crap can it be overwhelming and disorienting...but ultimately good....
Well, that's where I'll have to end things for now.
Today or well yesterday was a pretty fantastic day but I am in fact much too tired now, I shall venture off into the sleepy states now
Again this is why I should update more often Also though I mildly left out the part where I had a check-in call from my counselor on Th, ATP went swimmingly on Th, I've done some photos again nicely so, and writing my sopsych paper was so absolutely terrible I wanted to stuff myself into a cupboard and not come out (I also forgot to mention comments like this I was making to myself last week in somewhat of a leadup before my point on Wed) and just ugh that paper. I slept horribly so that day, woke up at 4:30a to get finishing it, checked my school email got rant worthy about ATP and had south turning thoughts (although heavily impeded by thinking of the plan) for an hour out of frustration....
Okay quite sleepy now
I will be having a better update soon......
Habe a lovely weekend -D