Unnatural DissectionLeft.Unnatural Dissection by H-Everybody-Lies--MD
Like a cereal bowl,
Spoonfuls – no.
Knives – no.
The Hope Tomorrow BringsIt strikes us,The Hope Tomorrow Brings by H-Everybody-Lies--MD
Q u i e t
The loneliness is
Leaves us gasping for air,
Air that never feels fulfilling.
And we wait . . .
d a r k .
Regret Along the MileHer hands are trailing down his cheeks.Regret Along the Mile by H-Everybody-Lies--MD
For him to hear the words she speaks.
The ones that fly from her lips,
Curl upon their form --
Hugging themselves out of regret
And a desperation to become
She calls for him,
Tells him she loves him,
That he can awaken,
Beat the demons,
Unfurl from his nightmare.
And even while he dares not stir,
While his legs are immobile and hang
In the air above all the floral patterns
And dusty canvases --
Still she waits,
Still she cries and yearns,
Wishing so completely for him to come out
She knows he can make it,
Knows what it's like to hear his rough voice,
Feel his beard over her skin,
His roaring laughter fill the air,
Like daffodils on a morning hike.
She wants nothing but to say hello,
To learn again,
Hear the same old stories told a hundred times over --
Oh, how she misses those stories!
And she's noticed, with worry,
The sun has a way of pa
Trapped In This Void Built up thoughts:Trapped In This Void by H-Everybody-Lies--MD
I am trapped within myself.
I can’t get out.
I am trapped.
This hole is all encompassing, this sea too strong, waves too deep, sand too quick.
I am drowning.
I am dying.
I am no longer being.
I am not myself.
I hate who I am.
Because it isn’t me.
I hate who I’ve become
This isn’t me.
I am lost.
I am the struggle.
I am caught within another negative cycle
--- How do they find me?
I am hopeless.
I am nothing.
I am alone.
I am nothing.
But that’s not true,
That is another lie
How can I lie to myself like this?
Why does a part of me hate me
Hello, I'm Jeffrey DahmerSnapHello, I'm Jeffrey Dahmer by BellaRainSkykes
Your neck entwined in my fingers
I take your picture for all to see
In your last painful dying moment
I frame it on the wall of me
Soon you'll just be a memory
On the wall that has so many already
You should thank me, really
I did you this favor
I took you off this cruel earth and sent you somewhere better
You should thank me, really
Because if I hadn't killed you, you'd be stuck in a dead-end life
Now, you can be stuck in my collection
I brush the bangs out of your watery-blood eyes
And kiss you, surprise.
Lifeless, you lay
I pull you down to the basement
Where I have slayed so many
I take one last picture
And take it into my black room
Then when it devolps
I run down to show your mangled body
Pretending you can still hear me
"It's alright, my pretty. I'll never leave you."
I gouge out your eyes and put them in my jar,
I remember only hours ago I picked you up from the bar
Sweet, lifeless boy,
It's alright, you're MY pr
I am absolutely without a doubt determined to not only get this journal done and up today but also to finish printing all the necessary files and papers and such that I just spent some time charting together.
Anywho. Okay there is a LOT to talk about and I'm sure I'll forget a few things but that's okay.
The reason I want to write this journal is two fold: For me and for any of you who will be willing to read it as well. I want to discuss a more general overview (with certain specifics) of what I think about how these last 5 weeks have been, a sort of: Evaluation of Winter break. Ahahah But there is in fact a lot to talk about and I believe so much that I've made some insane and incredibly milestones over this break and I'm just as ready to hash them out to you guys as I am to get it out and off on "paper" so to speak. I'm going to be wiping clean my whiteboard and making up some rehashed notes - although probably NOT tonight however I know about them myself so I can wait on the physical rounds of it. Not sure if that made sense, I'm waiting for a paper to finish coming out to cancel the rest of the job.
A print job out of the way and accomplished and me having finished at the time I had estimated, I can now fully continue with this journal and do my best to cover as much as possible and get everything else in order. Anywho. I'll be mentioning a lot of stuff I've mentioned before, it's just how my mind goes XD
I would like to say ahead of time: I'm hoping to get onto DA again on Tuesday early evening (I'm thinking of the goal time of 5 or 6pm EST - which again is more for me than for you xD) I'm not sure HOW tired I will be by the end of Monday night (ohmygod school tomorrow you guys!!! =O) but I'm thinking I may be able to wake up at about 8 or 9am (even 10 at the latest) and then start tenfold on whatever schoolwork I may have, potentially include additional getting started work for Wed. That's part of the plan at least.
I kinda wish I had been able to print out and get settled my DA journals today however at the same time I have to remind myself there's still plenty of time to do that - for instance, over the weekend! And just writing it down overall is sufficient. And certainly if I wrote it once (and definitely thought of it beforehand far more) than it shouldn't be too hard to imagine the trains of thoughts I was going in. Anywho.
I want to say some big old general stuff first and I'll call myself out on exceptions and such when appropriate. But, let's start with a timeline:
This winter break began the day after Friday December 20th 2013 (just to be uberly specific XD). It's come to a close now today this January 26.2014 - a marvelous, marvelous day and let alone a journey! I can say that over this break, over these last 5 weeks, that I've had the best break I've ever had before. At least in a college standpoint (so as not to step on any old forgotten memory's toes) And I believe, and I say this within the certain context of the negative procrastination filter 2013 partook in, that it's been the most consistent happiest time I've had in a long time. I cannot remember a time that has been like this one. That doesn't exactly mean one hasn't existed, I just can't recall any significant or particular one. I know that I had good times and happy, fun times over the year - laughter, hanging out with friends, photoshoots, DA time etc. But a lot of those were single moments. Not many existed in multiples or in a row. I feel and believe as though I have not experienced what has occurred in these 5 weeks so significantly before. That not only was the cause for it different but that overall, I feel different.
I do not feel and I don't consider myself to be the same person (although yes I am still "me") as I was the day that semester ended. That last final day. That whole semester. For so much of that year.
I feel as though we are two different people - which is strange because I am still me and yet I don't feel like we were the same person. I feel that I got lost within myself, particularly in the fall semester that I lost so much of myself that I could not grapple with much of anything else. I could not see myself clearly, let alone things around me, I became lost in a fog and I didn't know how to get out. I didn't know if there WAS a way out. I didn't believe I would ever get out.
For instance, I saw Anam on Friday at school. She mentioned something to me as I was asking her how I could best help her with her procrastination, and she mentioned a particular moment that struck me for a few hours after. It was a day where back in the fall semester she and I had heard some advice from a fellow student. It was helpful advice, it made her excited and motivated. It made me annoyed. I remember it clearly. I felt annoyed because I felt misunderstood. I felt my problem was not in HOW to do things (study with flash cards or try reading for 5 minutes first etc) but how to get the EMOTIONAL charge to do them. How was I supposed to emotionally and mentally prepare for it? How did I need to think? How did I need to feel about it? etc. I felt stuck on that end because no matter what I asked (and I believe I was NOT asking the right type of question) I always got the "how-to tools" answer and not the "how to function" answer. In a sense XD I was seeking emotional support and how to create it for myself not the physical supports that most often I was provided.
When Anam mentioned this moment, that is what I thought of (well not all of that but...) and she said she felt the same way about that sort of stuff but with emphasis on action (but I don't think mine was about that). When she said she felt the same way - I at the tip of my tongue immediately thought I don't feel that way anymore. And... I don't think I do.
There is a LOT of stuff I did over this break. One of the biggest things I did was to "Own" my stuff. I owned up to the 7 Path of Success checklist. Even though it's entirely made up of things I've heard and learned elsewhere, by make believing that I came up with it myself (at least listing it out at the top of my head) I initiated some kind of "owning" system. Now they are mine. Now I know what else is further involved. Now it's about action.
And when I started this break - I mean it's crazy and absolutely mind boggling to contrast how things came to be. I started out after campus that Friday into a winter break and I don't feel that I've landed permanently back into that person again since. Because I've realized I don't have to. Every day is a new beginning. I don't have to continue being or acting on a way of life that I know does NOT work.
When I went into this break I had NO expectations. I had ideas of what I wanted to do and frankly I can't really remember what they all were. I found and made new ones instead - and best of all, I achieved many of them! I never would have or COULD have anticipated or expected I would be where I am today.
That goes into me believing so much further now that I HAVE changed over these 5 weeks. And I mean changed by changed my room's environment, changed myself but in the sense of still changing and certainly NOT completely changed. I still have more to work on. And I'm glad, because that means I get to keep exploring on this journey.
Back then, where I was, where I started this break from the day before (that Fri.) I had no way of knowing so much WOULD change over this break. I never knew I could be this happy. I never knew it was something I could even have. I know that I didn't believe I could do it.
And now? I have. And even more, learning through the struggles, the setbacks, the mishaps, the action, the struggle (there were a bit) and the organizing - I have that foundation. I have that belief. I can do anything.
I believe I may have found my potential within myself this break. I believe I embraced my inner organizational person (and she is SO badass).
I am so happy of what I've done this break. I am grateful even for what I haven't because that means I have something further to look forward to in the coming months. This year IS going to be my better year.
I don't have to go back to what I've experienced before. What's happened has happened. What matters now is for me to move forward and to take as much of each day by the horns and tackle them as possible. Do more, be better, improve always.
I believe that my old mindset no longer completely controls me. If it did, again, I wouldn't be here today. (physically with my accomplishments around me). If I hadn't changed (so far) I wouldn't be here today. If I don't change at all, I may not be here tomorrow. My own sort of ultimatum there That last one IS a little more on that negative side you may be thinking. Shit happens, right?
However though it's also not to say that my old mindset has disappeared. It hasn't. It's still VERY easy for me to slip into it. I do when setbacks occur. However I know that I will have future setbacks, failures and struggles. And I welcome them. Experiencing them causes me to have to reconsider (or get to the point of willingness to do so) my easy way or my more work oriented way (harder in the sense of more effort and time). The active vs the passive. One is happiness, one is pseudo-happiness with a catch. Happiness doesn't come with catches. It is my decision, always. I may not always choose right, but eventually I will come back to what is. This, now, I know. This, now, I believe. I can fall, but I know now that I can rise again. I know now that I will. It doesn't matter how LONG it takes, it matters that I know that I will. And I know this now. To give up now would be to continue from what I left off that Friday, and that is not a past nor a future that I ever want to self create and experience again via choice. I do not want to go back to that. I have NEW standards now. That is not me. It won't ever be me. And it won't make me happy. I have reasons now to change and move forward. I may struggle and forget them but I will always return to remembering WHY this change is important and WHY I have to keep rising again. You don't have to know how you're going to get there, you just have to believe that you'll find a way. (slight paraphrase there )
And now... When it comes to some actual doing and some further concepts pilfered through:
Of the 8 tasks I set out for myself (and mind you with the no expectation thing I started the break with, I truly mean I never created this list until the start of January or so. And further, I never realized until last week that I had achieved more on my list of 7 (the success thing) that I had actually done about 4 of those as well. Which is why I believe I was able to make such progress - with no expectation I jumped primarily into doing (acting) and with that, doing that, is how I learned and worked more confidence and found reasons and answers and the new mindset and more. It was by doing. And I also want to mention that my change I believe was not at all because of one thing that set me off - I think for the last year I was taking in so much even when I wasn't doing much and over this break, THAT is where it paid off. Everything sort of catapulted and flew out and I didn't even realize 3/4 of it Which turned out to be the best)
So yes, of those 8 I completed 7. I did my schoolwork (some past stuff, binders, toss out's as well as assigning over time new semester stuff - also including my nightstand and rearrangement of my bookshelf), my beads (light), my clothing (in the dresser), ATP physical stuff, Internet faves (this was the first thing I did that Sat - Sun.), my writing box and as of yesterday my backing up and deleting and organizing of digital stuff.
Granted I will state something that I feel shouldn't be necessarily stated but I'll point out to be mindful all the same: Actually, NONE of these things are permanently "completed" (is anything ever?). They will ALL need to be added to. However, if you've ever organized before you may realize what I have: When you just have to add stuff to your already built castle or system, it is just soooo much easier. You've already done 85% of the work, adding it won't be very hard at all.
Further with organization: I'm sure others do it similarly or in some ways but the way I organized was all about well okay some descriptions first: The hardest and most difficult part of organizing (I find) is that initial stage where you grab whatever it is by the back of the neck, pull it backwards and yank it so everything from it just goes spilling EVERYWHERE. That is the messiest stage of it. But the moment you begin to sort piles (consciously or not) and the moment they form into piles looking like piles, then it's like all the lights are on because you are almost finished! For me I often section those piles into further piles, I get my systems going, I have cranked out all around me highlighters, pens, sticky notes, staples, paperclips, papers and documents and such (depending on the task) and each step from there that you get closer to completion (all the while feeling and making the progress) is just so uberly fantastic!
I've come to find that I rather love organizing. It can be soothing. I suppose in part some of it may be about control, but that's okay. It's quite fun. It's satisfying. It's enjoyable. And I have never been this organized before ahaha.
My writing box took me 2 weeks to complete. However, I was not concerned over the amount of time it took me. I could have finished sooner, most definitely. Also, I want to mention: My changing has absolutely no intention of ridding out procrastination. I just want to be in better control of it and not get lost in it. I have nothing wrong with some procrastination. You canNOT be productive every minute of the day. It's just not possible (okay, it is but I mean, why would you do that unless you realllly enjoy it and can do it? For most it's just too much). Often in this break, I HAVE procrastinated. I had 8 days total of setback and 2 - 4 days of which I'm not sure of. I had only 5 days where I was productive throughout the day on the best track of possible. The rest? I procrastinated in the day and made shit tons of progress at night. Or I mixed it up etc. The difference? The new mindset. As long as I was satisfied then I focused on what I HAD done and not as much with the procrastination. It was included just not explicitly so.
My writing box is the #1 of 2 main things I'm most proud of of having completed this break. The second is my own photos filled wall calendar. My writing box is HANDS DOWN the metaphor and learning subject for this semester. Completing, working on, making progress in both of these two things created that belief that I can do anything. These were two things that I had put off for years -- years. My writing box features works from 2008 - 2014 (once I get stuff going). It originally had two high school packets stuff (art stuff), 8 notebooks and 7 folders. Now, there are no notebooks (minus two I never counted at the start but they are not in there now) and 8 folders.
5 folders for singular years (minus one for 2008 - 2010). The others: An Uploading Pile (for DA), a Printing Pile and a WIP Pile. Printing, uploading and WIP is how the list goes for most complicated going from left to right. I structured the system of my printing pile to be:
# Title of piece Type of piece (PM/PR/PMs (poem series)/PRs (prose series) Date written Status
The status was used with highlighted colors: Pink for not uploaded, purple for uploaded, green bar for photo inspiration, green circle for written inspiration. Orange of the row would be for completion (in this case, printed). A yellow coloration was for wanting to print multiple and blue for reprints.
My uploading pile is strictly uploading works. And my WIP pile is just bulleted lists XD
Yesterday I also created my Back up System. Specified USBs and what's on them, essentially.
Both today and yesterday were massive productive days. You know I actually find that I have a bit of a distaste for the term "procrastination" now ahahaha.
Overall, there were certainly more things I could have gotten done this break. It's questionable how productive the things I did were, I recognize. However, I'm pretty freakin happy with it! My writing box laid out the groundwork, the values, the inspiration, the metaphors and more for how I can approach this semester. Again, it's not about how long it takes you, it's not just for the end satisfaction - completing the box was not the only memory of happiness I have because when I think of my writing box: I "see" again and remember all that it took for me to get to that point. I plan and hope to carry this through to the semester.
My art ideas transfer was something I had to let up on myself, I knew I wasn't going to be able to do it with the time I had left. However I've sectioned out what needs to be done and the system generally for it and I know that I have the goal and slight plan for tackling it in March spring break. For my terabyte and CDROM backups, I can do those either a day where I have a few hours or I can wait until the long weekend in February. For my Dr. Cory story, I realize now I don't have as much structure on him. This is interesting in contrast to how I've set up the other two.
And for school actually! I decided to just bring my philosophy book and to get my locker (could not find out the combinations sadly for my lock), and hang out with friends and take a nap and eat a bunch and for bonus: read over the syllabi. And I'm not sure where I hold this part but I would like to plan some as well.
I printed out a shit ton of daily, weekly and one monthly planners. I also printed some quotes out and a few good site's info. Mainly studying and such tips (such as the 8 hour day and the 5 day study plan).
But, alas! I could say so much more and if I feel it still I can always do it in the future. But from here, I should poof. Early rising and all tomorrow (and I'm so tired now) ahhaha.
I will make it through the day tomorrow and with luck be poofing in for Tuesday!!!
Until then: Study so much that your face feels like it's sloughing off, drink plenty of water and don't forget to feed the cat on your way out. XD I'm tired.
BUT YEAH SCHOOL TOMORROW WHOOO!
(Watch, I'll hit 4pm and take a nap... OR worse... in a class along the way Dx NUUUUU) XD
**Also can I just add how impressive it is that I did this in only 1 hour? Hells yeah time managing! I will try not to overdo myself though this week Also, I'm looking forward to FREE STUFF tomorrow YAY!