H-Everybody-Lies--MD

Hey guys!

It's been a while longer than I realized or intended, so, hello again. I have to keep this short, unfortunately. I recently hand wrote about 10 1/4 pages of fanfic ("This Would Be the End" chapter 4) and the novels "Without Tess" and "Call Me Hope" as handwritten book reviews in my blogging journal which pretty much catapulted my right wrist into painful territories.  So, I've been wearing a brace and an ACE bandage on and off since about Tuesday. Yeeeep. I had to put it back on because the angle/use of the backspace when I was typing up my fanfic today was bothering my wrist again. Sad.

Otherwise I've been pretty much off my laptop all week long. I'd still go on Twitter and Youtube on my phone but I didn't ever go deep onto my laptop for much of anything, really.

Tomorrow is Mokeys anniversary of arrival. I'm still hoping to make a part one or something like that kind of video for the day, or maybe a blog post or something, I'm not sure totally even now. I'm hopeful I can update some other stuff later this next month. June, already, phew!

I could say more but I'm gonna head offline to wander on Youtube and do some reading for fun with a new book I got out of the library a couple weeks ago.

Hope you're all well!!!
Who out there is still active, anyways?
Love & light to you.

I finished my final paper for my course today around 6:30p. It needed to be submitted by midnight tonight, and 6p was actually my newest goal from yesterday. I pretty much wrote all of it today; the introductory paragraph I hand wrote during day program and from the time of about 3:30p I wound up plowing through it, relating the film (analysis) to 6 research articles while also talking about some issues (interpersonal effectiveness and communication styles) that didn't have research to back it (unfortunately) but that I've picked up and learned from program.

Anyways, it feels GREAT to have it done and over with. I think I can wind up with an A in this class, actually, which is great.

I'm now just trying to figure out what I'll do with the rest of the evening. I just had dinner and took my meds so that's good. I am having a photography day tomorrow! I'm probably gonna be uploading some more stuff tonight both on here and probably via working on a new(er) Wordpress post. I also want to get through some of my old book reviews (I have 3 that I still have to review in my blogging journal) as tomorrow I will also be going by the local library to pick up some new books and pay off my debt for some older ones (two of which I still have in my possession but haven't book reviewed yet and so was charged for the cost to replace them). I also want to make a note of what some of those books were in my journal because I really, really want to go back and read them through since it's been almost a year since I had originally taken them out.

For photography tomorrow, I am planning on using some fake flowers we recently bought at Jo-Ann's, red food coloring (for fake blood), a Johnny/scrub, prep behaviors for bare feet (my toenails are seriously horrendous, mainly the big toe, so I gotta work on making them presentable via nail polish), and flowers, because I want to use the flower petals. I want to do a fake blood theme with the scrubs and the fake flowers and use the real flowers to do some face-related photography with flower petals in the background. Basically.

Unfortunately, the recent stress over school and some other events meant I relapsed with the trichotillomania, so I'm missing portions of both my eyebrows and eyelashes. Ah well, I'm still planning to do photography regardless.

I did some newer photos last Friday actually, which I'm hoping to have a couple of sneak peeks to tonight (I have to still upload them and everything). I may also consider editing a video--if not today then tomorrow. Last Friday's photo shoot was really having the photographer in me come out again--I took photos of some of the blooming trees, then used my bracelet with its positive saying around them, found a dandelion and had lots of fun with it, crossed the street and subsequently found a bunch of dirt and sand and took photos there then went to the next tree and did some face photos. It was very eventful and a lovely hour and a half photo shoot.

I also want to get back in touch with creative writing--and have many, many updates for that as well (mostly in terms of fanfics).

I'm probably gonna start uploading more of my video stuff tonight too, so maybe I can make a video tomorrow and put it up online soon after.

Saturday is the NAMI Walk. I think it's supposed to rain so I may not bring my camera for that. Will probably have to look into what I'll be packing soon.

I may also color tonight/tomorrow. It's been a while.

Any who, I'm going to go. I might just copy/paste this post into my Wordpress too, maybe with a better title though.

Hope you're well!

Much love & light to you all.

***WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD***

Don’t read this post if you don’t want to know what happens in Avengers: Infinity War (2018)!

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With that out of the way, I think it’s time I formally introduce you to the 2017 created film review thumb: (created before for at least three other films that haven’t made it from notes in my notebooks to completed blog posts (more so just half-written ones) put up online, so, basically, this has been a long time coming)

Film Review THUMB (see other artwork for)

Okay, so technically, I have already eaten dinner, taken my night meds and filled my brain with thoughts external to the movie I just witnessed a few hours ago. With that being said, I’d like to return to the magic and the visual improbabilities of this wonderful, wonderful film. This will be part 1 of my film review of this movie as I think it will take me a little while (and multiple re-captured seeings of this film) to get out everything I want to say, and trust me, it’s quite a lot.

So the first theme?

Sacrifice.

Defined by Google (the almighty god of all things we have to search and scour the Internet for!) is:

   an act of slaughtering an animal or person or surrendering a possession as an offering to God or to a divine or supernatural figure.

And additionally, from Merriam-Webster:

   a : destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else
   b : something given up or lost
   LOSS

There is a LOT of sacrificing interwoven into the multiple character’s lives in Avengers: Infinity War (part 1 may I add; part 2 will appear as early as May 2019, so guess who is gonna have to avoid the rogue buses in the future to stay alive and see THAT movie).
Again, this information and film review is as much to put my thoughts onto metaphorical paper (and even then, probably actual paper, too) as to work through everything that I just learned and everything I still hope for and cherish in all these characters–all these films of the last ten years (although I watched a few of the Iron Man films before, 2014 is really when I entered into these multiple universes) and everything that’s been working up to this very point in time.

There is SO much loss in this one film. All the rescued Asgardians that we saw through Thor: Ragnarok, (which I actually plan to film review next) my utmost favorite and inspiring character (although, probably not for the same reasons you’re thinking of) Loki who, after the Asgardian civilians, is the first (I think, if I’m remembering correctly) to die in this film–to the ashy disappearances of several of Earth’s (or should I say Midgard’s?) mightiest heroes.

Gosh, the visual effects in this film are just phenomenal. I really felt rooted in place, I wanted the narrative to continue unraveling before the credits rolled and the theater turned to brightness. I was invested! I AM invested. I want to know what happens next. Where did so many of the ashy disappearances go? Are they all somewhere together in the afterlife? Will Loki come back, somehow? (I know, probably a stretch but hey, a girl can hope!) Where is Tony Stark going to find food on that alien planet? Is he still going to get married to Pepper? How long or soon after did Nick Fury and Agent Hill disappear after Thanos collected all six of the infinity stones? Where is Tony Stark going to take a shit on that planet? Can he shit in his suit? Or would that just be too messy?

Where is everyone? Will they come back? Can I hope for a return of my fellow characters?

Why is 2019 so far away? Will we reminisce with our favorite heroes in the afterlife?
Does Thanos have the capacity to feel human emotions? What is he, really? How did he become who he is as we know him? Are his emotions and love for his “daughter” Gamora real or is it faked and manipulated, acted and a play to get to the audience’s feelings? ‘Cause I gotta say, I definitely was feeling for him! I could understand his perspective, he wanted, inherently, what was for the best for everyone in all the realms involved yet he went about it in a very, very genocidal way (which I cannot begin to condone!).

It appeared that he was capable of loving those who unwillingly chose to be in his presence and in his life (like Gamora) and he also had such a ruthlessness about him that he could simply wipe out several millions, if not billions, of people in his pursuit for absolute power.

Is power his true play? Or is he trying to fill the void within himself?

Was it worth it?

Child Gamora, in a vision that I took as being more for the audience’s understanding than what was happening in reality of the Marvel cinematic universe, asked Thanos, point blank, something along the lines of “What did you have to lose?”

And Thanos said, “Everything.”

And at the end of the day, sacrifices were made time and time again. Suicide was even brought up as a topic (of which I can only applaud the writer’s for to be bold enough to actually say the word and not shy away from saying it after implying it loads of times visually and through dialogue).

The biggest weight of the word and the world fell upon choosing to have the strength to sacrifice.

It came when Loki couldn’t stand to watch Thor be tortured by Thanos. It came when he seemed, at first, to be betraying Thor again with revealing the Tesseract only to stall Hulk’s arrival into Thanos as a punching bag. It came when Loki appeared to win over Thanos’ side and join forces with him, all while creating a knife behind his arm that he tried to kill Thanos with (maybe even a little naively and foolishly) before he was so cruelly and unfortunately strangled to death by Thanos’ mighty large purple hand.

Watching the blossoms of love between Tony and Pepper, Wanda Maximoff and Vision and the funny quips laden throughout the movie inspired hope and humanity within all the tragedy and questioning of the meaning of life and what everything meant if those you love couldn’t be around to live it and enjoy it WITH you, together.

The Asgardians, Loki, Heimdall (after he managed to summon enough magic to send Hulk back to Midgard to warn the others), Gamora (sacrificed for the soul stone by Thanos), Vision (a consequence of Doctor Strange giving up/sacrificing the lives of thousands for Tony Stark’s life–in essence, trading one life for the time infinity stone).

And then those who disappeared like ash: Nick Fury, Agent Hill, Black Panther, Bucky, Star Lord, Peter Parker, Groot, Drax, Doctor Strange, Wanda… Maybe Nebula (can’t quite remember though).

And Thanos, the center of them all, watching his sunset/sunrise maybe one last time in a peaceful land (which he can now manipulate reality with that infinity stone so it’s questionable if he’s actually there or if it’s just in his mind/for our visual purposes)… alone.

Was it worth it? All that loss. All that pain. Was it worth it?

Thanos tortured (Loki, first of all, and I think Bruce Banner realizes that when he reports to Doctor Strange, his magician assistant whose name I don’t remember, and Tony Stark that Thanos, the same guy who did the alien invasion in New York, was coming for Midgard to seal the fate of billions by collecting all six of the infinity stones) Nebula in order to get to Gamora (who knew where the soul stone was and requested to be executed by Star Lord (another blossoming love) before she would give up the answer to Thanos), Doctor Strange (in which Tony Stark and Peter Parker save by attacking Squidward so that he freezes in space after they blow a hole in the side of the spaceship (which, if Tony Stark and these other people like Thor and shit die in space like that (like Squidward did), why don’t they die and freeze on planets like Titan and others? Seems like a plot hole, to be honest. Double standards, even.)))

Thanos created all this death and destruction, to save the rest while sacrificing the few who stood in his way–but at the end of the day when he was alone, the question really remains: was it worth it? If you have no one to spend the day with, watching the sun rise or set and having all the power in the world to destroy and kill anyone you ever want whenever you want, is it worth it if you’re all alone?

That sounds like such a lonely endeavor, a worthless task.

And that drives the question–do our heroes get the final word? The final action? Will the second part of this movie end in triumph, happiness, love, life, moving on? Will there be light amidst all that darkness? Will there be worth within all that meaninglessness?

Will Thanos realize and decide for himself, the wielder of all those stones, that giving up and losing EVERYTHING really wasn’t worth any of it if he is to just perish as we all will, alone?

Thanos wanted the power of all beings, the control and the strength that that all meant, yet maybe he isn’t so strong–even when the prophecy states that he IS all powerful with all those stones–maybe, just maybe, he’s not. He cannot escape death. His time will come.

And if that means the end of all experiences, will he go out slowly or will he decide that living life alone even with all the power in the world won’t make him happy?
He likes Tony Stark. He appreciates him, in a way that is endearing, almost, and yet all the same totally in character with himself. He spares Tony’s life when Doctor Strange sacrifices the innocent lives of millions to trade Tony’s life for the time stone (something he was SO set against giving up before in the countless arguments he held with Tony). Tony was dying, sword stuffed in his side, spitting up blood, really not in good shape kind of dying, and it’s him who gets left behind when so sadly and tragically Peter disappears as ash into the wind, his last words being pleas to stay alive, wishes to BE someone, become something, torn away far too soon… In the rubble of planet Titan, Tony Stark sits, the light shining behind him as he thinks, thinks of plans, of solutions, of ways out, alone.

Is it as Doctor Strange imagined? He said he saw 14 million alternate universes with his magic–did he see that one? Did he see the one that played out on screen and did he know that that ONE that would have saved everyone was just a lie, a sham to get the others on the team to believe that they could be powerful enough to stop Thanos and his rule or did he lie that there was one universe where they succeeded in stopping Thanos to spare the thoughts and feelings of the others? Did he see himself disappearing? Was it painful? Do they meet each other again, in the afterlife? Devise some kind of plan to return to living, to fight further?

There was so much fighting. So much struggling, trying to stay alive, to live to see the next day–but to what end? For what purpose? To live to die? Isn’t that what we’re all just doing? Is this a larger metaphor of all of our most inane fears within us as humans (and how incredible we are as a species to create these magical, fictional worlds) that we may be forgotten one day, that all our work may turn to rubble and STILL despite KNOWING that one day we will all vanish we create, we make, we breed and we spread ourselves so far and wide so that SOMEONE out there knows who we are, who we were and what we had time to become because if we don’t, if we’re just forgotten, then what’s the POINT? Do we spread our names out into the world through text, video, photos–or do we hide in shame and fear inside our homes because the world out there really is that kind of scary? Because there do exist versions of Thanos in the world, our world, our true reality. And maybe, maybe there are actual aliens out there, far crueler and damaging than we could possibly imagine, maybe stronger and more sinister than Thanos (although, maybe not by much) and here we are, lost in our own struggles and problems on a revolving planet around the sun in a solar system we have yet to imagine could possibly exist.

Do we find light in the darkness because we just have to believe that the light will overcome the dark? Or can there be life where both exist?

So much of our lives involve darkness, pain, in some ways (and in some lives) torture. AND there also exists love, happiness, hope, light, beacons, inspiration. Beauty and ugly all wrapped into one experience. Laughter at the hurt and laughter at the joy. A balance, like the little knife filled with rubies that Thanos shows child Gamora to distract her from the slaughtering of her people as he shields her from that trauma (although she can still hear their screams).

Over and over, lives were sacrificed, loves were lost. Wanda had to kill Vision because there wasn’t enough time between (them as a couple honestly) and when Thanos arrived on Midgard to rewind time and kill Vision by taking the mind stone from his skull. I don’t think Vision suffered when Wanda was destroying the mind stone. It was hard to watch her get hit by Thanos when he rewinded time to steal the stone. And I liked and appreciated the irony and symbolism with the fact that Vision lost all color when he died and how his own vision (his eyes) was clouded completely, as though he had witnessed the cruelty of the world and been jaded by it (like Ultron had been). Natasha and Bruce shared an awkward moment. Pepper and Tony planned a maybe wedding. The Accords were referred back to. The team came together for a cause, for a mission. Iron Man and Bruce fought against Squidward and his other child spawn from Thanos. Gamora sacrificed innocent lives for Nebula to no longer be tortured. Loki gave his life to try and thwart Thanos’ path. Thor and the others had to witness such loss, so much death… Death upon death upon death rolled in like waves.

And all for the power to control everything. Yet is it possible that in controlling
everything you really control nothing? Having all six infinity stones meant that Thanos could simply snap his fingers and billions would be killed without him really having to do much of the work.

Loki, as he died, said that “You will never be a god” to Thanos. Thanos was no stranger to killing, he likely relished in a lot of it, but he did it with a purpose (however skewed that purpose was). He wanted people to be free–free from suffering, free from starvation, free from freedom itself (I just loved the references back to other films and doesn’t this sound like Loki in Avengers Assemble?) and he recognized that to help the majority you would have to sacrifice the minority. And so he boldly took those chances. He chose again and again to destroy and create chaos and havoc, to cause irreparable damage to billions of people (and even on the planet where Thor, Rocket and Groot made Thor’s new weapon the axe by Stormbreaker the dwarf who helped him said that Thanos had told him he would spare the lives of his dwarves if he handed over the gauntlet only to go back on his word and kill everyone except this one dwarf) with little regard and little care yet he can feel pain and loss from those who he chooses to aid? (Think Gamora, think Tony Stark).
I feel that this possibility, this humanity within all the monstrous and villainous purposes that is Thanos could appeal to his emotions in the next film. Maybe when he realizes that such responsibility and weight of the universe on your shoulders isn’t what it’s cracked up to be–not completely and definitely not when you’re all alone–maybe that is enough for him to take back what’s been done, maybe it’s enough to let people and creatures live their most meaningless lives and oversee what they do and how they feel with little interjection between them. Or maybe all things will end, as they would naturally do, and we just get to see it all play out before our eyes, incapable of saving these characters and their lives because they’re just products of actors and green screens and complicated technology both fictional and creatively, well, created.

I don’t know. And maybe that’s the point. I don’t know these answers, I didn’t even know I was going to wind up with nearly 3,000 words for this film review/thought exploration thing. But it’s there now. It’s here. And I’m likely still going to think and talk about it for ages, until I see it again and possibly one other time to really try and get the full picture (although I must say I did very well paying attention in the theaters today) and understanding and play-doh effect that these movies inspire in me.

I will not stop my lovely fanfictions! In this way, the characters will always live on. They may perish, and they have and they WILL, on the big screen, but there are thousands of us out there in this world who will write them, draw them, edit them into new stories, new beginnings, new lives, new blossoms of love and both more and less pain than what they’ve been through just now. In art nothing ever truly dies. Because there will be people out there who see this movie and who are inspired by it like myself to write a 3,000 word blog post about a passionate and intriguing topic.

Because this film is about life. And life features death. But in art, nothing ever truly dies because what we create lives on forever. Until the world blows up one day and wipes out everything we ever did or ever were. But even then, life finds a way.
Maybe there is light in the dark, and maybe we can learn to live with both polarizing extremes. I don’t know, it’s up to the viewer, I suppose. I hope that you enjoyed this if you’ve made it this far. I hope I didn’t spoil anything and you heeded my previous starting words in case you DID want to read about the movie yourself and come to terms with everything. The film ended in a very open-ended way, something I wanted the story to continue plowing through and unraveling in the next two hours (but didn’t happen, sadly–until next year that is!) and I feel I have far, far more closure on now. I feel almost rejuvenated, even though it’s nearly 9:30p and I’ve been writing this post for 2.5 hours straight through and about twenty minutes before that around 6p. I have a lot to worth with now, and I think I will take some explorations and inspirations from this film into my next few stories, fanfic in general and blog posts/articles–in all my art, really.

It’s strange, nearly 3,300 words in and I still find myself wanting to say more. I guess the more I can say will be covered in Ragnarok (in which I wholly appreciate all of the Loki-ness in it now) and probably for the next time when I see this movie. I’m still kind of in the disillusioned and dreamy state right now, still going over the details and almost trauma that happened in that film.

Fun fact: my flight, fight or freeze (or sympathetic nervous system) was activated twice in the theaters watching this film (when Loki died into Hulk and Iron Man fighting in New York and once somewhere else towards the end of the film that I only vaguely recall now) so much so that my legs were uncontrollably shaking (I imagined this is, since I heard about what a panic attack is today, what that would feel like) in my reclined position and I tried moving them around little by little but still found them moving on their own accord despite my protests). It makes sense, too, because our brains don’t know the difference between what’s happening in reality (our true reality) versus what is playing out on a big, large screen. Our brain is encoded to protect us from danger, real danger, and it’s activated in all these not dangerous scenarios like watching horror movies or action movies and when you get a nasty comment online and everything in you stands up (speaking of, Peter Parker totally sneaked onto that alien spaceship when he shouldn’t have (although he played a key role as an Avenger in it!)) and reacts. Oh, that reptilian brain.

Any who, THANK YOU FOR READING THROUGH ALL THESE NEARLY 3,600 WORDS. Seriously, you’re awesome. I hope my musings have triggered your own musings and we can muse together in the comments. Long awaited and long time coming film review. 😉 Stay safe, peeps and try not to get too anxious out there. ❤ ❤ ❤

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PS I put this into my ‘artwork’ category to help myself when I get into fanfic stuff again soon to pull through and sort out concepts and shit. You get what I mean! Also, BACKGROUND song that I listened to on loop throughout this 2.5 hour writing: (which will be featured in May) “In my blood” by Shawn Mendes. That is all.

PPS Don’t know why but the spacing is all fucked up, sorry about that!

PPPS This post is featured on my blog RecoverytoWellness at Wordpress. I copied and pasted it hear because I think it's awesome and deserves to be featured!

My Mom bought me a new video editing software, Pinnacle Studio 21, and I am STILL undergoing the installation process. It's been about half an hour, it was downloading it and now it's still installing it. It'll probably take another hour to hour and a half. My Mom also got me another SD 32GB card, so I will not only be able to edit like a PRO but potentially film MORE on my camera, which, once I get another battery for my clicker, will be AWESOME!

I'm planning on uploading to my Youtube channel every other day for the month of May for mental health awareness month. I'm also going to be attending the NAMI Walk this year, although I'm not totally sure how much of the 5k I can reasonably attain.

Speaking of exercise, I've been gaining weight! Pretty sure I'm over a hundred now, and my face has filled out some. Enough for others to be able to notice and for myself to notice since my face was more angular in previous videos (I just edited up a video from January that I have up already on my Youtube channel (my newest upload) -- although if you go look at it, be forewarned there's a transphobic comment lingering there) but more on that another time!)

I've been going to program still 3 days a week. It's really, REALLY helping. I've been using DBT and other skills all over the place. I've also been writing for the newspaper and LOADS of fan fiction.

Today I even started an ORIGINAL characters multi-chaptered short story. I got this bargain priced writing prompt journal from Barnes & Noble months ago, and as of this week, I've finally been utilizing it. It has titled prompts and various words and space to write them out.

I've also gotten 4 new journals, two of which are hospital friendly notebooks for creative writing (so I can stop using loose leaf pages for my fanfics and other creative writing projects) and one that I'm now using as my day to day journal since I finished my silver rainbow journal. The latter lasted from January to this past weekend.

I've also been doing article writing, as I think I mentioned earlier. I have loads of work to upload for you peeps.
I filmed two new videos this week, mainly art in progress ones--a watercolor of a loose leaf sketch for Wed's group and a scrapbooking page!

I haven't been blogging very much but I am planning and gearing up towards blogging every day in May for, well, see the top.

I have old photography from December 2017 to make into videos, so that's something. Overall, I've continued to be majorly stable (with intrusive thoughts I don't entertain and urges that I distract myself before going into the deep end about) and today I had some lovely existential crises after watching a few Grey's Anatomy clips.

I also love the show "Mom". Just thought I'd mention that.

I hung out with a friend on Sunday, that was fun.

Have I mentioned I'm on Twitter? I'm Recovery Raquel there. Don't know if I ever mentioned that before...

I'm still juggling not only various art mediums but various messages on several running websites. I hope to get better managing all of this in the future.

Well, I think that's enough for now. Also, Avengers: Infinity War is coming out next Friday and I CANNOT WAIT!

I may try to get out more fanfic stuff before the new movie warps my mind! XD

Much love & light to you all!

Stay safe.

And emoticons because I can:

    :bademoticon:         
 Okay, I'll stop now.

PS I can probably upload a couple new thumbs/Youtube thumbnail photos etc. that I've made on Canva recently. I'll write it down so I can refer back to it later.