This journal is in co-existence with this one here:: fav.me/d5a2puh

It's actually NOT as long as other ones I have done, which is rather crazy, in a way XD

But now, in this new and fresh one, I am going to be doing a feature. Of my own things =] Because I think I can pull that shit off
Confidence will do crazy things to you


I would like to say though, that this is NOT a full collection. It's as much as I can currently find at the moment but there WILL be future additions through time The pieces that I feature are either in direct relation to my thoughts with Scolio, could be spun that way looking back or are there just because... just so we're clear =]

Without further ado, I shall begin ^^



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Some interesting links to things I have found recently:
www.rad.washington.edu/academi… [I haven't read that yet, but it seems pretty awesome [fuck yeah, it's awesome!] -- also, look! They draw pictures of square vertebrae too! I AM NOT ALONE IN MY SKILLS! ]
More drawings of squares: nwchiroclinic.com/blog/wp-cont…
Here's this just because I like the picture: ^^ musclepain.me/category/rib-pai…



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Literature:

These beginning works show from the furthest back, the ones that end it are more about the present day =]

On the Sidelines*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*
Thump, dribble, shoot
Thump, dribble, shoot
Thump, dribble, shoot
My muscles ache
Thump
My sneakers are loud
Dribble
My blood's flowing hard
Shoot
Damn, I missed the shot
My teammates pat me on the back
I smile at them, we'll get 'em.
Thump
I've got the ball again
Dribble
Sweat is rolling off my forehead
Dribble
My eyes are searching for an opening
Dribble
My legs tense
Dribble
I begin to stretch
Shoooot!
The buzzard sounds
We won!
There's a burst of cheers
The trophy is so gold
I can still feel the smile on my face...
*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*
...Even as the old memory fades
Now, I'm staring into the glass
Seeing what they all see...
...Yet so much more
I look back at
the large, tired eyes
Where they see hope
I see failure
My eyes follow to the grim smile
This is where they see joy
I see it as the longing,
death-seeking lie that it is
I study my bare shoulders
They see scratches of imperfection
I see scars from stupidity
I meet my gaze in the glass           TrappedTrapped in a corner
A small, small corner
Nowhere to go, no place to hide
But this small, small corner
The agents are up above
Pacing the grounds, oblivious
And I'm here, stuck,
trapped in a
small, small corner
But maybe we're all a little trapped
Trapped into relationships,
Trapped in our bodies,
our minds
Maybe all we really need to do is escape
But escape and go where?
The way I see it,
sure, we're trapped,
But how do we know,
it's not some place we're
meant
                  to
                                    be
                                            World Made of WordsThe sound of rushing water met my ears
As I watched the stream travel along
I've been to this spot so many times
Just to stand and watch,
Watch my hopes and cravings pass me by
Today the water is green,
soft and yearning, I see the words:
"accomplish, succeed, hope, change"
they flow around the rocks made up of:
"knowledge, curiosity, courage"
Every time I reach down,
and I scoop the water into my hands
dipping it back and letting it drip down my throat
Only each time, I look up at the sky and
the dark clouds scream at me:
"Fear, failure, guilt, useless"
And the tears fall from my face
landing in puddles of:
"Loneliness, sorrow, careless"
And I run from the stream,
run past the trees in the forest,
that point and laugh, mockingly adding:
"stupid, fat, weird, different"
I run and I run
until I reach the edge of the cliff
and I stare down, down at its misty shadows:
"Pain, grief, unknown, death"
And I'm about to step off, to fall down, to end it all
When I hear something different.
Every

* Cuts Remind Us of Our Stories Slash
Who am I?
Slash
I am
B       R         o        k           E           N
Slash
I am
U      N      f  i  x       A         B        L         E
Slash
I am
WHO I am
'cause I
M        O         L          D           E            
* = Trigger warning, and since it's so old it's rather rough and raw and possibly inaccurate. But I'm including it because of the emotions and their relation. If all else, forgive that prior portion... I may go back and fix it up.

AcceptanceThe door clicks shut
You're standing there again
Standing in front of that big
rectangle shaped mirror
You narrow your eyes
Pointing out all your flaws:
The acne on your left cheek,
The crooked right eyebrow,
The small size of your nose
and that lopsided grin
You stare back at all these flaws
and fail to recognize:
Your desire to help
Your thirst for knowledge
Your ability to bring a smile
to another person's face
You have been so consumed
with this:
hatred, negativity, sadness
That you've forgotten to remember
your
          
           looks
shouldn't decide
     
   who
             
               you
                           Outside and InWe enter this world
as though everything's okay
And for some, it is
for others it's not at all
We come to realize that
our decisions have consequences
We try to take the bad
and forget it ever happened, to
instead focus on all the good
But the thing is,
      
        is things crack
They break
           Friendships end
Cousins die
And that perfect, little world
of everything good just shatters
And we find ourselves slipping
into this dark abyss that the
crack has formed both outside and in
And some of us are scrambling
to get out of this negativity,
to fix this hole, to cover it up,
To go on as if it were just a simple bump
        in the road
While others sit in this darkness
wallowing in their guilt and self-pity,
not knowing who or what to turn to
and inevitably doing nothing to get out
But if all of this happens becau            Journey to Another WorldThis tale is true, and mine...
I was once caught in a realm,
filled with sorrow and darkness
The sunlight could not flow gently
in from the windows, could not hold
my face with its warmth or whisper to me
that all will be well.
I could not see the beauty of the world around
me, could not reach out and take the hand of
someone trying to help me...
But what I could do, I found, helped me a great deal.
Every time I picked up a pencil it was like a new
world was beginning, one I could control and shift,
cause things to happen and laughs to be created. I could
paint a better image just by using words...
And once I discovered, the same could apply to actual
photos, the ability to capture sunsets and clouds and objects,
it was like the gateway had been opened
and sunlight now pours in from my windows... and if I had to
stay just where I am forever, I'd be more than happy to.            !! Take my Body, Not my SoulThump. Thump. Thump.
It's coming for me.
I know it is, but this time I don't run, this time I don't cry, I don't look away, I don't move. I stay there with a blank expression on my face. My hair doesn't move, I barely even breathe, it's like the air around me has suddenly died and everything is quiet. Except for the approaching noises.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
It's gaining speed and my eyes narrow as I see part of the black, smoky figure curve around the corner of the wall. It's turned so dark and evil over the years and I feel a dagger of emotion strike me hard, and the tears well up in my eyes, I just never seem to have any control over them.
Never have any control over anything....
The blackness is swirling closer, I can see things inside of it that represent myself.
The guilt, the pain, the desperation.
It's so evil, so dark, and all I've done is allowed it to feed over me for so long.
I never picked up my life jacket, never strapped it on when it really mattered, never persevered when!!

[ Bold: Mentions the poem "Outside and In" in the description and is the first piece I formally mention I'm writing/wrote it about Scolio. So, first bold and revealing piece ever! ]

!! CycleAnother day went by
As the girl sat back
And did nothing...
Another night flies by
As time ticks away
Minute by minute
Second by second
And still, that girl
She does nothing...
On the second day
She looks into the mirror
But doesn't like who she
Sees
And yet, she still does nothing...
That evening
She stands in front of that mirror
Yet again
And she stares hard at that reflection
Of the girl she no longer seems to
Recognize
And the only thing she seems
Capable of doing,
Is turning away....
The third day
The girl has pumped herself up
On doing the task she desperately
Knows she must complete
But like so many other times
..She fails to deliver...
The evening of her failure,
She kicks at the door of her mind
In such anger
She can feel the pain swelling at her
Foot
Yet, she purposely does
Nothing to fix it...
The fourth day
The girl is hopelessly crawling
Throughout the world
With a part of her that seeks help
While the other part
Tells her she does not deserve it
For she is the sole reaso!!       !! Can't do it anymore              Stuck.
              I'm sitting on the cold, hard floor of what appears to be an empty room. The walls, the ceiling, the floor, everything appears to be in black and white. On one side of the room there is a door. It's made up of a bunch of little cracks, cracks where sunlight tries to come into...but it can't.
              And I'm sitting here in this room again, having never left, with nothing but one pesky little mirror in front.
              A mirror?
              I blinked.
              A moment ago there didn't seem to be anything in here...
 &!!             Remind ThyselfA look in the mirror
Leads to a disgusted
Face
A change of clothes
Leads to sighs of
Frustration
A forced smile
Prompts no
Concern
A new painting
Brings no
Happiness
A friendly conversation
Doesn't sink
In
Why can't they see
What I can see?
The hope
The inspiration
The love,
Caring,
Knowledge
Beauty
Why can't they see,
What I can see?
They walk the streets
With their heads down
And
Eyes searching,
Searching
For someone to see
Someone to show them
What they can never see
One day will they see?
What I've seen every day?
Or will they be forever
Blind?
Unable to accept
Themselves
As being more than
They could ever
Imagine?
Will they ever see?
I cling to the
Hope that
One day they will
Because if they
Can do it,
Then I can too.             She once believed...Her body lay
    in a crumpled mess
        at the bottom of the soil.
She tossed her
    heavy limbs uselessly
        as more dirt caved on in.
She could hear
    their voices above her,
        chattering away carefree.
But when she
    opened her mouth to speak?
No one ever listened.
She could see
    their point of view,
        and found fault in their decisions.
But did they?
    She doubted it,
        they were too blind for their
                    own good.
She mutely called out
    but the dirt only clogged
                 They'll Never KnowEmotionally I have accepted.
Physically I'll keep pretending.
No one will have to know,
Because I feel deep down,
That they wouldn't care.
They wouldn't understand
They wouldn't offer a helping hand
They would act like nothing
Had changed...
But it would have
And I can't live pretending to think that
So instead, I've decided not to tell
My existence will become a lie,
But I don't think they'll even
Fucking notice.

StrugglesStanding in
Another clearing
Two roads with
Two different meanings
Are laid out before me
I cast a look to
The one on the left,
It is a dark,
Dirt road,
Made up of sand and gravel
And winds
Barely moving.
The trees, flowers, everything,
Is dark
And dying,
Fading away with hues of brown
And gray
The sky is black,
The moon only subtly
Present,
Its light attempting to peel through
The clouds,
Only to be thwarted
And smacked back into its own
Face
The stars are nothing more than
Specks of dust,
Shining as much as a dim light
The road is lonely,
And it beckons me forward,
Reminding me of all the
Things one must do alone...
I drop my gaze,
My eyes wandering to
The dirt around my
Shoes
My hair falls forward,
Covering the side of my
Face...
I look up,
Suddenly,
When I smell something sweet
The aroma dances through the air
And warms upon the sides of my
Cheeks,
Playfully giggling,
And smiling
I look over to the right,
Where there is another road
This one is light,
With a stone pathway,           Beyond the StormEverybody's watching from the stands,
Chanting words out of their mouths,
Their eyes glowing red,
Smirks playing across their faces
Their nails are long and
Their teeth are monstrous
Blood drips from their pale
Faces
As dark purple bruises
Play patterns across them
Their hands are gripped
Into fists,
Swishing back and forth
At their sides
Their words are venomous,
Striking the air
Quick and clean
Their brains are devoid
Of thoughts,
Empty spaces in their chests
Of hearts that beat
Coldly
They feel no emotion,
Show nothing but a scowl,
And to them, that's not emotion,
But a fixed concept
Each one looks the same as
The last,
Their clothes are loose and
Patch-worked,
Their feet are bloody with
Yellow, chipped nails that
Dig into the dirt underneath
The sun is hidden behind
Ashen clouds
And winds torment the
Dying trees
The stadium's lights are dim
Bringing life to the shadows
And sending chills down one's spine
And in the center of the stadium?
There stands a figure,
Tall with dark blonde            To Whoever I Am...Sometimes I wonder
Why I did the
Things that I did
What thoughts
Possessed me
To do them,
Why I thought
That they were
Right...
Have you ever
Wanted
To just...
Go back in time?
To swim through
The choppy waters
But with a
Life vest in tow?
To have the mind
You have now,
But the opportunity
To change the
Past?
But where would
That put you now?
Would I be cocky
And selfish?
With no passion for
Medicine or Art?
Would that be a
Sacrifice willing to
Take
To have a light, positive mind?
Or am I really better off
Having gone down this road?
Is it the road that's really
Dark, or was it just a figment
Of my imagination?
In other words --
Did I make this road so dark
Or was it the way it's always been?
Is there any way
I can change?
Or will I be trapped
Forever in this broken body?
Controlled by a disease and
The darkened thoughts
Until one day I'm nothing
But a skeleton --
A piece of baggage --
In the corner?
Can I make it through the
Doors --
Alive and well?
Or will I need to lose
A p            !!!!!! Crooked EnvyThey walk along
     The shoreline,
      Laughing and
          Cheering, with
             Smiles on
               Their faces --
                   Their bikinis
                    Are on fit and
                    Snug
                    My eyes follow
                !!!!!!        The Familial PitDirty hands rose to the air,
The blue, blue sky up above,
With its hidden stars twinkling
Ever so
The hands reached,
And reached
Desperately wanting to hold a star,
To rock it back and forth
So that it could rest,
Safe and sound
A face was lifted from the dirt,
The mud sliding over the cheeks,
Over the eyelids
Where eyelashes moved
Frantically to be swept clean,
Clean and free
A mouth opened up,
Teeth that were young and white,
A tongue pink and soft
And a voice,
A voice was emitted,
Softly at first,
A whisper almost,
Then grew progressively louder
And stronger
Shoulders emerged from the dirt,
Patched heavily over dark skin
Like a shell that refused to be
Shaken
The skin underneath was dry,
Dry and desperate to be
Lain with water,
Rich, comforting water
That would soak into each
Line and cause the skin
To breathe
A torso came into view next,
A body with curves so natural
The mud and dirt and worms
Bent and swayed with it
Perfectly
Legs came soon after,
Feet dragging up dirt th

Counting DownW     a     i     t     i     n     g
A clock chimes twelve,
A phone rings continuously,
And I --
I sit in my chair,
Biting my lips,
Fiddling with my thumbs,
Just waiting
W     a     i     t     i     n     g
Nurses pace the halls,
Residents scurrying this way
And that,
Doctors calling out orders,
Medical students following
Albeit nervously
And I --
I sit in this too stuffy
Room,
Just waiting
W     a     i     t     i     n     g
I gaze at my watch
To wish that time would be
Moving faster,
To be disappointed at the sight
That not even a minute           !! When you lose hope...This line,
This one, long line
Marks a part of me
It is not only a scar,
But the reminder of
A journey,
Of mistakes once made,
And of lessons learned
It shall forever belong
On my flesh,
It may fade with time,
But I shall always remember
If not perfectly,
I will still remember the glimmer,
The shine of what it once
Stood for
For a point in my life
Where the simple act of
Walking,
Was needed to be guided
Where staring up at others,
Running and laughing,
Moving so fluidly,
Was something I wished to
Do yet again,
But when I tried,
The pain would pull me
Back and
Crush my efforts
It was a time where
Little bits of pills were
Mixed into chocolate pudding,
And sleepy days and nights
Were disrupted by the incapability
Of turning over by myself
It was when,
After weeks had gone by,
Hearing the sound of a friend on
The phone,
Was something to just relish in
And while it did its job,
It angered the other
Sleeping dragon
She reared her head,
In wakefulness,
And began to shift sides
In order to ke!!          You're all that's left. . . .Rushing water,
Roaring in your ears
You can taste it -
The salt,
The blood,
The grains of sand
As they swish back and forth
Over your gums,
Over your teeth
You can hear it -
Hear it crashing onto shore,
Wave after wave,
Stress after stress,
It just piles itself onto you,
Onto your shoulders
You can't toss it off,
You can't wipe it away,
Rinse it clean or
Scrub it down,
It always finds its way
Back to you,
Back to its home
You try and try again,
This time pulling at your
Life jacket,
Scratching at the orange fabric
With broken, bloody nails
But it's no use,
You're pulled under once more,
Brought underneath the surface
Of these waves,
These powers,
These stresses
And you desperately try to swim
Free,
To pull your head up out of the
Water,
To return to the warming sun
And the gentle breeze,
To feel the air skipping in your
Lungs
But none of that,
None of that is possible,
Because you're being torn up,
You're being assaulted by these
Demons,
These waves,
These stresses
And you jus         !!!!!!! I'm not okayIt grips me.
Grips me like an ever tightening rope
Around my head
It pulls at me,
Jerks me back and forth,
Laughing at me,
Pointing...
Mocking
And that same emotion,
Grips me again,
And I'm struggling between
The monster,
The demons,
Inside and the ones
That stare back at me
Through the mirror
I am afraid,
So, so afraid
What will happen?
Friday?
Next week?
Next month?
After that?
I'm afraid that I will lose...
...again
That I will lose myself
To...me
That I will walk down the
Same dark path,
Because it was the same one
I walked down before
I'm afraid I don't have
The strength or the power,
Or the right personality
To change things
Once and for all
And even if I did,
Will that cure me of my
Past demons?
Or will they still be there?
Staring at me?
Laughing at me?
Mocking me?
Will they always be there?
Will I always be their slave?
I don't want to,
I can't
But I don't think I'm
Strong enough,
Smart enough,
Willing enough
To go down the other
Path
If I did it once,
That means I ca!!!!!

Given WingsLet us fly away,
Flap our small,
Little wings
And allow the
Golden sun to
Strap itself onto
Our little bodies
Let us fly away,
With the colors
On our backs
Catching the eyes
Of the strangers
Down below
Let us fly away,
While the day
Is young
And the breeze
Is light,
While we are
Hopeful about
Tomorrow
And growing
Confidence in
Ourselves
Let us fly away
Together --
Here and now --
Let us fly high
And let us fly free
We can be who
We want to be,
And we have each
Other to hold onto
Friends and friends,
Let us fly and fly
Again,
For we are hopeful
About today
And we are confident
About ourselves
Finally, oh finally
We have accepted
Our change,
We have latched
Onto our freedoms,
And we can now
Fly as high as
We please,
Escaping into
A wondrous world
Waiting for us to
                         Explore         !! Falling . . . againI don't know
Why I'm feeling
This way
Hopeless
           Despair
                          Pain
                                     Lonely
. . . . empty
I don't know
Why I feel
These now
In the
Darkness
              Night
                       Black
                               &!!       ~~ Give birth to hopeCity looming up ahead
Golden light fills the sky,
It graces my cheeks
With delight,
Giving my lips the chance to smile
And spreading hope within me
Everything looks so bright,
So silver and shifting from
Cold to warm
Nerves bubble up inside of
Me as I swallow the
Lump in my throat
So close,
We're getting so close
I want you to just
Pull me into a hug
Already,
But you don't....
The light crawls into
The city,
Tracing its fingers across
Brick and wood,
Trailing onto the gray
Tar
Car after car
Passes,
Driving, moving, thinking
Destinations are in mind
While hearts and dreams
Strive not to be forgotten or
Dismissed
Pulling up, pulling up,
Closer and closer
You're about to hug me,
I know you are,
And I'm ready,
I am.
Embrace me now!
I may be nervous
But I am ready
The sun continues
On its quest,
Light after light
Falling onto the
Once dying city,
Now,
It's brought into
The age of the living~~      !!! College Essay: The Mentalities of Surgery     Surgery.
     This is a powerful word. It would normally send shivers down one's spine, send one hurling towards a wall of fear; but not for me. Yes, it had frightened me, kept me up at night as I thought about the day nearing, but it also had other qualities. It became my challenge. It was a challenge I was not sure I would win, but it was one I was more than interested in taking.
     The latter stemmed from my overall interest and passion for medicine. For me, the science and knowledge of medicine is one that is confusing, fascinating, and amazing all packed into one. It is a subject that constantly keeps me guessing, that in its own way, challenges me to think beyond what seems irrelevant.
     The former came from my past. I had faced surgery before, for a condition known as spondylolisthesis. Simply put, it is a condition where a vertebrae in the spine slips forward onto anoth!!!

~~ The Way We LiveHospital bracelet.
Gauze pads.
Steri-Strips.
Scars.
These are the things we remember.
These are the physical remnants
Of whatever situation Life
Handed to us.
We remember the
Pain.
The emotions.
The troubles.
The difficulties.
The way today and tomorrow
Felt like they'd be the future.
The way today looks like the
Day we thought we'd never
Make it to.
We remember these things.
These are the items that hold
No true form.
These are the bottles that can't
Be seen by others.
These are the plates we hold onto dearly,
Maybe hoping one day we can just
Let them go.
We forget some things,
Names.
Situations.
Drugs.
What happened one day versus what
Happened the next day.
Little things,
Maybe big things to some,
But usually they're little things.
We forget them because our brains
Are too busy trying to remember
All the really big things.
Trying to recall and retain as much as
Possible so that
We can look back in the future
And say,
Yeah, that is where I was
But this~~         ~~!!! This is MeIt's been a long time coming,
For me to see you here
See you above the clouds,
And over the hill,
Looking into the mirror,
Where you were once
Afraid to look
You trail your fingers
Down the scar,
The one that's etched into
A white-pink,
Still fresh and clean,
Still healing yet
You can't help but wonder
Just how these past few
Months have gone by
So quick
You can't help but wonder
How you've ever managed
To make it to where you are
Now
But I'm more than glad
That you did.
I'm glad that you've overcome
My powers,
Glad that you've set your
Wings free,
Glad that the dirt has loosened
From around your ankles,
And that your confidence
Is continuing to grow
Out of its once
So heavy shell
I'm glad that you're no longer sad,
Glad that you're no longer envious,
Glad that the past few years
Are merely memories that you
Can't help but wonder
Ever truly happened.
They did,
Though,
They did.
Even though you feel like
You overreacted,
Even though you feel like
You must have blew it out
Of proportion,!!!~~

1. Scoliosis [ . ]I'm tired of being
This way.
I'm tired of the aches,
The god damn aches
I'm tired of being laughed at,
Hated for.
I'm tired of the negativity
Or the positivity.
Can't you just accept me,
For who I am?
I'm just shit gone wrong.
I'm just a mistake.
I'm just worthless
And unneeded.
Nobody wants to have me,
Nobody wants to deal with me,
And I don't want to
Deal with me either.
I wish I wasn't what
I am.
I wish I wasn't crooked,
Bent,
Rotated.
I just wish
I was normal,
That I didn't
Have to be hidden
I wish someone
Would do something
About me,
Already!
I hate being here,
All alone,
Looking out the
Window
At the way
The world works
Straight
Rain falls straight.
Other people are straight.
Buildings are straight.
Picture frames are straight.
Do you know?
Do you know what
It's like to live this way?
To live as something
Nobody wants,
As something people
Pity?
Something people want
To fix?
It's not that I
Don't want to be that
Way!
I do!
I do
2.
3.

Mature Content

4.          

~~~ I'm okayIt's been months
Since these words
Splayed across
This paper
Things have
Changed so much
Since then,
That now
They can
Be addressed
I am no longer
A monster.
I am no longer
Hiding.
I am
Not afraid.
I did not
Lose myself,
If anything
I gained a
Part of myself
That only
Time and change
Can bring you
I've learned
A lot.
I am no longer
Ashamed.
I am no longer
In the rut.
I am no longer
Stuck in the past.
I am
Strong enough,
Determined enough,
Proud enough,
Willing enough,
Hopeful enough,
And as ready
As my unsteady
Feet can be
To face my
Future brick walls
And crush them down
One by one
If I did it once,
It does not
Mean I will
Do it again.
My past,
My Scolio,
My mistakes --
Do not
Define me.
I am more
Than them.
I have found
Acceptance,
I am loved,
I am cared about,
I am helpful,
I am empathetic,
I am willing and
Wishing to do
More than I seem
To be able
To do now,
But that doesn't
Mean
I cannot do them
In th~~~        !!~~!! Don't Change MeHave you ever cried?
While viewing a piece
Of art?
Have you ever had
A few tears rolling down
Your cheeks because
You were writing about
How strongly
You felt about something?
Have you ever looked
At something,
And thought one thing
Then completely and utterly
Changed your opinion
A minute later?
Have you ever realized
That lines are more
Than just lines?
Especially on people?
Have you ever
Stared at one line,
Once ready to
Open your mouth
And explain
How that should be
Different,
When in the next
Moment entirely
You find yourself crying
Because you feel
So strongly
About the fact that
That line should
Be there,
Because that line
Is no more a mistake
Than you are?
Have you ever
Felt so at a loss for
Words,
Wanting to say so many
Things at once,
But being unable to
Truly explain how much
Emotion you are feeling,
How strongly you feel it,
How much you think
That that wasn't a mistake,
That that is
A form of beauty
No different than a line
That was straight?
Hav!!~~!!           ~~~~~ It's Over -- Put to Rest.It seems to me,
That there comes a time
Where you spend so much
Of your life
Looking back behind you
That when you finally
Make it to the day
That you stop,
You wonder if that's normal.
It's like you've spent so much
Of your time in the middle
Of the forest,
Alone,
Scared,
Guilt ridden,
And the day that the sun comes,
The day you find that reason
To push forward,
That's the beginning of the day
That causes you to stop looking back
You get so caught up in the journey,
You get so caught up in brushing
Your fingers through the ferns,
Of letting the dirt riddle its way
Into your socks and shoes
You get so caught up in the windstorm
That's pushing your hair all around you,
That's scattering dust into your eyes,
Making you blink so rapidly
You begin to lose sight of the path
In front of you
And sometimes you get off track,
Sometimes you spend a moment,
A dark,
Lonely moment,
Locked between the branches,
Their grip strangling you,
Their dying leaves dragging
Along your flesh,
And for that mom~~~~     ~~ All at Once.Breathe.
Face the page,
Face the words,
Feel the way they
Drain down your face,
The way they scamper
Out of your fingertips,
How they leave your elbows
Raw and your emotions
Running wild
Breathe.
Let everything come at once.
Let it all hit you with such a
Depth of force you find
Yourself falling to your knees.
Realize.
Know that you are beautiful.
That you have potential beyond
The measures of any tape,
Of any eye.
Know that you can grow,
That you will change,
And change is not so bad,
Change is beauty,
Change is natural,
Change is good.
Breathe.
Let your soul become uplifted,
Let the worries drag themselves
Away,
Let everything be the way it's
Going to be.
Breathe.
Because everything's okay,
Because you've got friends,
You've got family,
You've got people who care
About you,
And you've got a happy face
Reflecting in the
Mirror.
You've learned as much as you
Could in the last few years,
Now it's time to learn even more
Than you could ever imagine
It's time to enter a place as foreign
T~~
4. No Reason to Look     Everything was falling apart. Everything was unwinding by the seams.
     Night felt like day, day felt like night. Every time he'd see a face smiling, stomach acid churned inside of him that caused him to want to lean over and hurl.
     Everything felt too light, too happy, too... alive.
     He didn't feel alive.
     He felt dead... Or as close to death as one who is living can be.
     He'd sit up in his chair for half the morning, just staring at the faces. The faces that blurred together, in wrinkles and in shame. Some of them were real faces -- faces of the patients who had yet to die from their cancers. But most of them were fake faces -- faces of the people who were lying dead under piles of dirt as their unheard screams hurled into the night.
     They latched onto his brain every afternoo [Full folder: h-everybody-lies--md.deviantar… I had to use some past thinking in order to quite get it all together, at one particular moment. Just saying =] ]


Well, fuck. I had NO IDEA I ever wrote THAT much about it! Or its emotional underlinings were involved, either or AND sometimes both! XD
The Bold with exclamation points are, again, just very specific pieces. The ~ ones are more positive ones and the 3 with numbers are significant of being from a series.


I've never seen so much literature *blinks* Too much reading, gave me a headache PX



Traditional Art:

                                    

                     


Don't you make fun of my crappy skills, now! *waves a finger at you*
XD



Photography and everything relating:

           [There's no significance, technically, to this one, I just really, really, REALLY love hospitals! ]     

                                         


--Support Brace [the one I had to wear after the operation 2011]--

                                


--Torso, Before/After [showing that indent I talked about before, yay rotation! XD]

         

--Rib hump--
:thumb315557197:



--X-rays::--
[because this is the perfect segway] >> --July 26.2011

  -- Sept. 2011

  -- Feb. 2012

I'm pretty sure I had gone again for another appointment, also pretty sure in March, but I didn't get any X-rays that time.

___________________ -- July 2012 [I just have yet to get them up on DA]


--Back/Scar--

[Scar 1 from previous/first surgery: ]


[Pre::]                                 
[Post::]           


             [ Steri-Strips! Even though they aren't being show here XD]

--Scar--

-- December 2011

                            -- March 2012

     -- June 2012

         [I still have more from this shoot, just not uploaded yet]


OKAY! Let's try this AGAIN! We're almost, ALMOST done, once more. I actually realize now that I missed one in my previous almost done big ass journal. The problem I ran into was that about 35 minutes before 12AM, when I was finishing with this little blurb right here, I went to use an exclamation point or something, my fingers slipped, I hit the Tab button and EVERY FUCKING THING WENT PLOOOT! And I was all O_________O NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! and I had to spend about an extra HOUR getting it ALLLLL up again. LUCKILY I HAD a preview, though outdated up, so the Lit. wasn't as torturous and then I got smart there after with opening tabs and such. But still. FUCK!!!


My whole point for this journal is that it goes along with the previous journal previously linked at the top. Also, I didn't quite know I had this much stuff up about Scolio and the ending got a little awkward, though less so now since I was just trying to grab and go and get it up but even so. Now I have a headache and I don't quite know when I'll go to sleep.. wonderful.


BUT Without further ado, I will NOW leave you with one very last photo that [until I edit this again that is] is now very true and hooray. Confidence drives me home! [I'm happy I remember that and it stayed put this time and even though yes, I'm already here XD]







*pooooofs to wander aimlessly*